fullcursemeal | [Serpentine Horizon] Inbox

I don't think so.

No?

[skeptical]

No.

[honest]

[well there is a slight flush of confusion but secretive pleasure. but he isn't sure what to say to that so instead he lightly runs his hand from Curtain's hair to drape over Curtain's eyes.]

Edited 2022-06-12 05:51 (UTC)

[doesn't say anything either, closing his eyes. the emotion is just coziness and trust]

[cute cute, he is still lying on Curtain's naked chest more or less but now that his blood has cooled that is a different kind of experience entirely. Still 'nice' still 'warm' still 'solid', all the same words apply but the effect feels completely different. (thoughtful) Something intimate and comforting more than arousing and enticing. Truly hormones are incredible (wry amazement), he at least 60% doesn't regret not having this experience earlier.

He mulls it over while idly tracing a line back and forth under Curtain's collar bone.

The other 40% is that if he had it earlier, he would feel less out of his depth now and would not have had to stop before they entered into territory he was unprepared for (frustration, mild). And now they are stuck in a place where he can't even look up useful resources (uncertainty). How is he going to solve this? He can't even plan to use his next winnings for it because the shame of using such a valuable tool to basically buy porn would strike him dead (embarrassment), and everyone would ask him what he got (embarrassment) and he has to get revenge on Han Suyeong anyway (resignation).

That leaves the option of... asking people, but each name that comes to mind (Kuroro Lucifer?? Jesper Fahey??? Han Suyeong?????) leaves him feeling more shame than the last so that is definitely right out.

Anyway eventually his brain burns out on this hopeless train of thoughts and he drops his forehead to Curtain's collar and mentally grouses that maybe he should have just grabbed Curtain's dick and seen what happened.]

[he said he would not ask, he said he would not ask, he said he would not ask, he said he would not ask, he said he would not ask...

there's confusion and burning curiosity from him, and still more of that same warmth and comfort, which he is trying his best to focus on at the moment because he knows the alternative is a dead end and honestly probably the last thing they both need right now.

so he sighs and blindly moves his hand to rest on Jae's head, fingers idly carding through his hair and messing it in any which way]

[the touch is a comforting distraction. He sighs a bit and decides he isn't interested in leaving soon and curtain doesn't seem to be interested in making him leave so he shifts a bit to relax more comfortably on him. One of his legs falls between both of curtain's, he turns this head so his cheek rests on Curtain's chest.

He has no idea what has gotten curtain so curious suddenly though. Obviously his own thoughts seemed calm and practical in his mind]

What are you wondering about?

[oh... this feels really nice. this is yet another moment to be low-key sad that Jae doesn't sleep, because it would be really nice to just pass out like this together... ah, well.]

The usual.

[he feels around behind him with his free hand until he manages to locate a pillow and shifts to stuff it under his head, keeping Jae close]

What's the usual?

[He shifts a bit to make that easier for him]

You, feeling a lot of... feelings. [said with some fond amusement]

[confusion...? Has he been feeling feelings....]

... This is quite comfortable?

[Is that a feeling]

Is that embarrassing?

No?

[Ohhh. Dawning realization

Embarrassment again]

Oh.

Oh?

[curious, but very mild]

Hm.

[Embarrassment. Trust.. Embarrassment...]

The thing is.. I don't actually know anything about this kind of situation...

You know I don't have experience either, right...?

[some embarrassment as well]

I know, but if neither of us knows what we're doing, doesn't that make it difficult?

[cool we can mildly embarrassment feedback loop]

...

Well, for me... that makes things easier.

[INCREASE EMBARRASSMENT, thank god he's not looking at Jae's face because he's definitely blushing now]

[surprise?? confusion..... more confusion]

It does?

Do you really...?

[the embarrassment is getting a little overwhelming, please hold]

[sighs. frustrated, but not at Jae specifically.]

... I'd rather... be on the same level as someone else than... be a burden because of my inexperience.

[a little anguish and powerlessness start creeping up, but his objective hits almost immediately and washes all of it away with reassurance.

which again, makes him grumble, but helps him keep going]

I'd rather... we learn things together and mess up together than needing to be "looked after" or whatever.

[exhales, it's evident talking about this takes some degree of physical effort because of how tense he's become and how strained his voice is when it comes out]

But also... I don't think there's a way to mess something like this up? Haaah. I don't know, I've never really put that much serious thought into this before tonight. Never thought I'd need to.

[shrugs, and it feels a little like there's more he has to say, but he stops there, trying to focus on the objective payout rather than his anxiety]

Edited 2022-06-12 20:26 (UTC)

[oh.

that's a lot.

Probably if he hadn't been connected he might have not fully understood how much. Actually, even with the connection he doesn't think he understands how much but if it hadn't been there, Jae can see how these words haven't had the same weight.

It feels incongruent with what he 'knows about Curtain's character', but perhaps this is because he's only seen a few facets of that character.

If he thinks about it for a bit, he feels like he can put the pieces together.

Maybe this is the reality of someone who has always been 'strong', but could never be 'strongest'.

It seems strange for that to be relevant in sex but then again, traumas are just like that.

Anyway he's quiet for a while but after the initial surprise, his emotions stay calm and warm and thoughtful.

When he finally speaks, it's to say, with somehow no embarrassment, but just some soft irony.]

So... I really should have just grabbed your dick.

[well, while Jae tries to process and piece all of that together, Curtain is rapidly going to a very dark place. the effect of the objective still lingers so it's not immediately evident on an emotional level... but there's still a bit of anxiety and sorrow, a slowly growing panic and regret.

whatever is going on in his head, it cannot be linked to what's happening in this room right now. not on a rational level, at least. but he seems unable to stop it or to even register that this is happening.]

[and then Jae speaks again and that rush of negativity comes to a stop as he's forced to try and understand the words that were just said]

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